(oh, Savage Garden…)
There is a universal truth behind this song…people don’t want to be alone. Well, at least I don’t want to be alone. But the funny thing is, up until I met Brian I thought I really did want to be alone. I’m not good at asking for or accepting help. I am pretty independent when it comes to life and I enjoy my own company.
Of course there were those moments where the &*!$ would hit the fan and I’d be desperate for someone to gather this broken girl in their arms and rock me till everything felt right again. I am human, after all.
And then there were those seasons of insecurity where I defined myself by how many people I had in my life…or at least by how many people I felt close to. I held people from arms length and yet worked my butt off at the same time to fulfill as many coffee dates as humanly possible in any given week. It was insane there for awhile, for a few years at least. I had no concept of boundaries. At all. The more people I saw, the more I gave of myself, only all the while I was totally denying myself the joy of receiving from them as well. I felt like I had to always be the strong one; the rock, the counselor, the guardian.
You can all guess what came next, right?
After years of living this lifestyle in both Canada as well as Kenya and South Africa, I finally began to understand the concept of what it felt like to crash and burn. And crash and burn I did. Many a’ time. Over and over. I felt empty a lot. Like I was depleted somehow. Sometimes I still do. Because I am still learning how to have equal, balanced friendships and relationships. I am still learning to lean on others.
Throughout those years my best friends were amazing. They gave back to me and they gave me no choice about that. When I was stubborn and didn’t want a Christmas present they bought me one anyways. When I would shut down and refuse to tell them my problems, they would hold my hand until my resolve melted away. When I cried, they were right there beside me offering me kleenex and good advice and a shoulder to lean on. Maybe a part of me struggled to receive this kind of love because I thought I wasn’t worthy of it. Maybe I thought I didn’t deserve it.
When I hear this song it makes me a little teary. It’s linked to some memories, both painful and joyful, and it reminds me every time that we are not meant to go this road alone. We are built for community and relationships. None of us are immune to hard times, and at some point or another, we are all going to crash and burn.
My challenge in the coming weeks and months and years is going to be knowing where to direct my needs. I fear that now that I am in a relationship all my needs will be projected onto this man, and while he is amazing there is only so much he can do. I need to remember that I have best friends out there who want to support me. I have a family to turn to. I have a loving God who knows my every fear and hope. This all falls back on the balance issue; learning when to give and when to take, when to listen and when to open up.
It’s amazing knowing that when I crash and burn, there are people there that will catch me. You all know who you are and I want to thank you for being that friend to me.