Not (really) working.
Tonight Brian and I were having one of those discussions that are supposed to be fairly casual but always end up hitting you where it hurts most…we were talking about things we love about each other and things we, well, don’t love so much about each other. And one of the things he said totally blind-sided me. That being said, however, I tried to tell him that even though I was crying, he really is helping me become a better person. And it’s true. He is.
Because he told me one of the things he doesn’t really appreciate about me that sometimes I am unable or unwilling (or something like that) to overcome personal challenges. I felt really confused at first, thinking that he meant major giants and obstacles in my life, such as overcoming bulimia, overcoming abandonment and the rejection of my father, overcoming borderline-obesity. But he meant my lack of commitment where Lent is concerned, and also running.
I do need to defend myself on the whole running thing though, because although I could wake up at 6am and go for a run, I just haven’t had the time for it these past 2 weeks. Plus I am SO not a morning person. I am not going to make excuses, but I WILL say that I was running like crazy with those 36 campers of mine for 2 weeks straight, so I know full well that I was getting beyond my share of physical activity. But he’s right: I need to get back into my routine and take up my training again for the Sun Run. Those 2 weeks without my program are gonna hurt, but I’m gonna be so much stronger as a result.
And Lent? Yeah, I’m busted. Have I failed completely? NO. Maybe in Brian’s eyes I have, because he is so black and white and I am fairly grey, but to me I have been learning a lot about myself through this and to me that’s a pretty good outcome.
Have I drank pop? Yes, although there have been countless times where I have turned it down because of my commitment. One time in particular that I am NOT sorry for drinking it was last night, when I had Raspberry Ginger-ale for Eden’s 4th birthday dinner.
Have I gone to McDonalds? Not on the way to work or school or for any other quick-meal-fix. Mission Accomplished? So far, so good.
As for Facebook, while I have not really stuck with that “checking it once a day” thing, I can definitely say that I have cut down big time. Again, don’t want to make excuses, but as far as communication goes I didn’t realize how reliant I was on it to convey simple messages to people that are somewhat necessary in my life. But I can definitely say that I have not been wasting time on it. I haven’t been checking it in the morning or before bed, and I have not spent more than an hour on it on any day so far. And the truth is, I don’t really care anymore about people’s status updates. It’s kinda nice.
There are 3 or 4 weeks left, and I figure they are weeks where I can continue to improve. Brian is one of the strongest, most dedicated, most motivated people I have ever met, and in some ways that is really intimidating. I mean, I love him for it, but it also feels in some ways like it sets me up for failure. I know that if he had decided to cut out pop, there is no reason in this world he would drink it. But that’s not who I am. I am so much more emotionally ruled than he is (um, along with pretty much every other woman who is reading this right now), and I need to be gentle with myself. But I am so thankful that Brian isn’t afraid to be honest with me, and I am thankful he reminded me in his own way of my commitment to Lent. Here’s to the last half.
Anyways, hope you’ve been enjoying reading about Katharine’s journey. I know she’s got many more tales up her sleeve for you…isn’t it amazing when a complete stranger lets you into their world?