There has never, in all the land, been a girl sadder than me as I write to you at 1:50am from my dark, quiet and lonely bedroom. I won’t even apologize for what may sound overly emotional and exaggerated. I can assure you I am not exaggerating.
My heart. Is. Broken. For I have loved, and I have lost.
And I would like to know who the retard is that once said “T’is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. That sounds like bullshit to me. Because right now, at this moment, with my head exploding with unbelievable pressure and my face on fire from countless tears, I do not agree. One day, soon I hope, I will be able to tell you truthfully that I do not regret the 9.5 months I spent being Brian’s girlfriend. That I don’t regret giving him my whole heart only to have it broken into tiny little unrecognizable pieces. But for today, or tonight rather, I do. Or maybe regret isn’t the right word. Maybe there hasn’t been a word invented yet for what I am feeling.
Be still my soul…
I am scared out of my mind. I am weary. I am in physical pain. I haven’t eaten anything but a few carrots when I can manage in 3 days. My stomach is a mess. My eyes are permanently blood shot. My Salbutemol inhaler, for emergencies only, has been sucked dry. Can’t breathe. Can’t sleep. Can’t think clearly.
But my foolish words from my own mouth keep coming back to me over and over and over…
“Don’t you love me anymore?”…
The silence that followed will surely haunt me for many days, weeks, and months to come. I am unloved.
I am unloved.
I am so sad.
And I don’t know where to go from here. I have never before felt this hollow, unending pain. Who is going to tell me good morning? Who is going to call me Pilgrim? Who is going to love me now? And worse, my thoughts are consumed with this man who I have been so deeply in love with. Who will be there when he gets another nose bleed? Who will he go car shopping with? Who will laugh at Sister Wives with him?
We built a life together. We were each other’s family. He was home.
And now he’s gone. He is not unloved. That might be the worst part.
Without wanting to drag his family or mine into this, let me just say that this is a huge loss. For all the obvious reasons of course, but to have to say goodbye now to 8 more family members who I have grown to love so very much is unimaginable. To have to cancel future plans, to have to let go of things we had in store…makes me feel sick to my stomach.
And my mother…oh my dear mother who is so optimistic. Who loves him as much as me. And my gramma…this is too hard.
Some people have commented that sometimes my writing is a little too private, that I should be keeping some of my thoughts such as these tucked away into a diary with a lock and key. I apologize if I have been too open and too raw with this post. Maybe there should be a rule that I am not allowed to blog when it is almost 2 in the morning on the day after my boyfriend dumps me. But actually, this is good. It is good for you to read real thoughts. Real hard, raw things.
This. Is. Life.
And sometimes, it sucks.
Last night I took my little sister and her friend to see Soul Surfer. Not bad, except for a few too many let’s-make-sure-people-know-we’re-Christians parts. The girl in the movie gets her frickin’ arm bitten off by a shark. And guess what? She survived. I can’t pretend that I am the only person in this world who has been consumed by this pain. I can’t pretend that I don’t know that one day I will be okay. I can’t pretend that my life is over. I can’t pretend that bad things don’t happen to good people. But man, does this ever feel like hell. When do the tears stop flowing? When do I smile again?
And how do I say goodbye? He held me so tight in the driveway as I wept. I am not ready. But he drove away.
I have to listen now to that still small voice in my mind, drowned out now by so many hours of endless, noisy, ugly, snotty crying. I think it is saying that I am going to be okay. I think it is saying, “I see you shaking in your bed, Chris. I know you’re not cold. I know you don’t know how to calm yourself. But I am here…you’re not alone.”
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God.
My dear friends, this girl is undeniably more broken than you have ever or will ever know. And yet somehow, somehow I know that I have an army behind me. I don’t even have to turn around. This is me falling backwards. And I am scared shitless. But I know you won’t let me fall.