Mere weeks ago I sat in the office of my dear friend and supervisor who took great care to be kind and gentle with this broken heart. I was already back to work full time, but after a long morning of tending to the many needs of my little ones, I needed a time-out for grown ups in a bad way. I burst into her office, slammed the door shut, and cried as hard as a 7 year-old would after getting uninvited to their bff’s birthday party. It turns out this beautiful woman who received my dramatic entrance into her office with grace is not only a friend and supervisor, she is also an angel.
We talked a lot in the 20 minutes I was in there, and as we went over some details of my pain, a picture came to me. A really clear, really obvious picture.
I saw myself lying (laying?) in a hospital bed, barely conscious. I was pale and had a huge scar on my chest right over my heart. Part of my heart had been removed. There were machines all around me and I was thirsty but didn’t know how to ask for water. I was waiting desperately for someone to come to me and explain what had happened, why I was here, and how to make the pain go away. It was dark.
The next thing I saw was a nurse coming into my room. She switched on a soft light, sat beside me, and said with such confidence, “Everything is going to be just fine”. I believed her. We talked about the surgery, what exactly had been removed and how it was healing, and she gave me a clean bill of health. “It’ll grow back, Chris”, she said with the most genuine, sweet smiles I have ever seen.
My heart is growing back. My angel told me so.
That makes me smile.
As I sat in that office, wiping my tears on my sleeve because we couldn’t find any Kleenex, it dawned on me that the comforting words of that nurse were an accumulation of everything YOU GUYS have been telling me all this time. And suddenly your faces were coming to mind…I could see your smiles and your tears as you wept with me, and I realized you are ALL my angels. Every single one of you.
I owe you the world.
On another note, my girl and I were watching the Royal Wedding the other day and eating nachos. I got up to go to the bathroom and she randomly asked me, “You’re not going to throw up, are you?” Now, to be fair we were discussing some hard things and I was a little teary, but it still totally caught me off guard. In a good way, though. First of all, I SO appreciated her asking me, and it occurred to me that other friends might be thinking the same thing; that I have been throwing up again or thinking about it. That’s completely the farthest thing from the truth, though. I haven’t thought about it once. It scares me to think about how much more complicated this would be if I were. And I am so close to my 2 year mark now that I don’t dare go back. I have come way too far.
Mom and I went to see Sarah McLachlan last night, and I can honestly say it was a dream come true. Even though she lives in Vancouver and even though my mom works with a guy who knows her, and even though I have been in love with her since 1988 (yeah, I know I was only 4 years old), it was my first time seeing her live. I have every single song she has ever, ever recorded, and yet no song of her’s haunts me like Angel. I wish I could upload the video I took of her singing it last night; it would give you chills as well. But I am learning it on the piano so maybe one of these days I will have to put that on my blog. It would be nice to share it with you, even though I am nowhere near as amazing as Sarah.
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
Post-Op sucks sometimes. But I am so happy to be free, to be healing, to be secure again. And although there are many more bumps in the road yet to come, I can say with certain confidence that this may be the last post-break-up writing I do here on this blog. Things are looking up, and I am taking you guys up with them.
Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight…
I hope each of you finds yourselves in the arms of your angels tonight.
May you find some comfort there.