This time last year, there was a celebration. A celebration marking my very first anniversary of the last time I threw up. And this year we will celebrate again. Because this is a big deal.
Bridesmaids was in the theatre for longer than they planned on keeping it on the big screen here in BC. Millions of tickets were sold, and with slightly pink cheeks I have to admit that I am solely responsible for the sale of 4 of them. I just couldn’t get enough! I laughed so hard that I was actually a little bit embarrassed. Like, I’m sure the people in the theatre who were CPR-qualified where probably thinking they were gonna need to resuscitate me…I was definitely that girl choking on popcorn. I’m okay with that, though.
So there is this part in the movie where Annie and Helen are at a country club getting ready to play a game of tennis and they have an argument over whether or not people actually change…Annie would like to think that her childhood bff Lillian hasn’t changed at all since they were little kids, but new bff Helen firmly believes that Lillian is a completely different person…and even though it’s just a movie, it is still a really good question…do we really change?
Because obviously I have changed. I no longer allow my life to be ruled by an eating disorder. But in other ways I know I am still the same.
Okay, anyways, I don’t think any of us have enough time to truly contemplate that one, hey?
I’ll move on.
The last 2 years have been really challenging and yet incredibly fulfilling. I feel like every time I have cried, every time I have laughed, and every time I have snapped into consciousness at the exact perfect moment of realizing that life is just good, I have grown and healed just a little bit more.
Healed little by little, stitch by stitch.
My friend Keziah has a knack for being incredibly tuned into the people around her, and one day out of nowhere she told me to listen to a song by a guy called Javier Colon called Stitch by Stitch. It’s like she just somehow knew that it was the exact song I needed to hear at that exact moment she made me listen to it.
The song was written for Javier Colon (he’s from The Voice, and the dude is good) by Dave Hodges. I don’t know if Dave Hodges is a Christian, and I don’t know who this song is written about. Maybe it’s about God, maybe it’s about some chick. But to me, it is about my journey and how God has helped heal me and walk me through all this.
You’re all perfectly capable of googling the lyrics on your own so I won’t bore you, but I do want to share this part here that just sends electricity down my spine…it’s just that sometimes I feel so alone, so very alone, and then bam…it hits me that I am just not. I have never been alone a day in my life. And I certainly haven’t walked this road alone either…if you have held my hand or replied to an email or were there to listen to me and challenge me through this journey of recovery, then thank you…
I’ll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there’s nothing that you can’t fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now stitch by stitch
I’m still afraid of falling, somehow it’s takin’ over me
Don’t ever let me let it go…
There and back, there’s no doubt, your touch makes me whole again…
This blog of mine was an idea I had to keep myself accountable to recovery…I thought it would be a good idea to be brave and loud about brokenness. And I didn’t care if I reached one person or a million…
If you’re reading this right now, I want to thank you for being here in my life…whether you are my mother (hi Mama!) or my best friend or even a stranger who found me through a search engine, you’re here and I appreciate it.
As a way to thank you readers who check my site loyally and regularly, I would like to say thank you in a tangible way, and I want to give you a gift. I wasn’t joking about that song being incredible, and I want you to have it. Subscribe to my blog by the end of August and I will email you an iTunes link that will automatically gift that song to you. I know it isn’t much, but it is my way of thanking you for being on the journey with me.
If you look to the right of the screen, close to the top, you will see a link called “need a good read?”. Click on it and enter your email address and that way I can gift that song to you. If you don’t want to subscribe but would still like that song, then you can also go to the comments section and wordpress will generate your email address that way as well.
2 years…2 years since the last time I stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up on purpose…I remember teeth marks in my hands. A burning esophagus. Excruciating stomach pains. Rotten teeth from acid reflux. Embarrassment. Fear. Insecurity. Despair.
I never ever ever want to go back.
So welcome to my third year of FREEDOM. It’s gonna be a good one, my friends.
And I’m gonna keep on growing, and I’m gonna keep on healing…stitch by stitch.
PS: Those of you who are already subscribed to my site, don’t worry about re-entering your email. I’ve got it down! You’ll receive an email from my by the end of the day.
pps…I am super duper self-conscious about this. I know I am not a professional but this song (also) means a lot to me…here you go.