Two weeks ago I went out in the pouring rain with my umbrella and a pocket full of nerves to meet Sandra Eilers at Fishtrap Creek for a photoshoot. We wanted to freeze time for a little bit…the colours, the brilliance of fall, and the fact that I am alive and that dreams are coming true. Sandra is an incredible photographer, with a sharp eye and unique angle on things she sees through her lens(es).
Yesterday, I got the pictures back. They are amazing because Sandra is amazing. But there in one tiny little problem….I am so frickin hard on myself. And it has really bothered me all day, because I ought to be proud of those pictures…but they make me want to hide because they have exposed me.
One of the blogs I sometimes read is about a set of quintuplets in Texas, and I came across this post, which put some things in perspective for me. You’ll have to click on this link because I don’t have the rights to a certain picture that is hilarious. If you don’t want to click on it, that’s fine, and basically the post is about what happens behind the scenes of her seemingly “perfect” quintuplets. There is puke. There are tears. There is hair pulling and ear grabbing. We just don’t see those things, do we? Most parents don’t want to post pictures of their kids hurting each other and regurgitating their lunch. And that’s kind of like me.
So anyways, there are pictures that Sandra took that make me feel insecure because I am not perfect. And even though the world sees me through their own eyes every day, I like to think I have some control over it. Like only posting the best of the best pictures on facebook, not to mention my eHarmony profile.
But you know what I decided? I decided that what you see is what you get. And I don’t want some guy on eH to decide I’m attractive because of a particularly flattering picture of me taken who knows how long ago. I want someone to be attracted to me because I’m me. And I have flaws. And you still love me.
So here they are. I’m not posting them just for the sake of them being looked at. I’m posting them because even though I am insecure about a few, this is real. This is me. I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be.
I love you for who you are,