Yesterday afternoon, as I spent wasted time catching up on my facebook newsfeed, I came across this funny status update from a friend of mine…

Jane Doe: is at the spa watching her eight year old get a face massage. Creating a monster? I think so!

Oh Jane Doe, I know how you feel. Because after two WHOLE weeks off (okay, okay, besides still working at Pillow Pets), I am now realizing what all the fuss is about where taking time off is concerned, and I think it spoiled me. It’s not like I wasn’t still almost as busy as usual, but a break from littles and from a very repetitive routine was awesome. Totally awesome.

I feel rested and was definitely ready to go back to work today, even though I will miss the rare mid-week visits with friends and sleepovers on school nights.

And although I still have a long way to go, I am slowly learning that renewal is really really important and I intend to get better at taking care of my health during this new precious year we have been given.

On the topic of renewal, my one year anniversary on WordPress is coming up, and soon I will be receiving an email from them asking me if I want to renew my domain address and continue with…and friends, I have turned this over and over in my head in the past few months. There are still a few weeks before I have to decide, which is good, because I just don’t know what I want to do.

~My writing gets me in trouble sometimes…I don’t often want to take back things I put out there, but sometimes it happens…I hit ‘publish’ without adequately proof-reading and end up saying the wrong thing or unintentionally hurting people by being too hasty. That kills me. This page is supposed to be a safe place; a place where people can come and know there is someone else out there trying hard to live a good life.

~Another problem I am having here is a lack of feedback. When I first started writing, my posts were extremely raw and put me in a vulnerable position, and as a result people freely commented and seemed to enjoy connecting with me because I try really hard to be real. But lately, especially the past few months, that feedback just isn’t there and it’s a little discouraging. I have never been one to comment on other people’s blogs which is why this is a little hypocritical of me, but I am going to start trying harder to make other writers know that what they say matters. It is hard to put something so heartfelt out there and feel like it fell on deaf ears. Having said that though, I know you’re out there and that means a lot to me.

~Also, I will say this carefully since I don’t have this person’s permission to freely write about this…in the fall I “met” an incredible guy on eH, one I connected with on as many levels as possible without meeting face-to-face. We exchanged limitless emails weekly and began to build a good friendship and I truly enjoyed our interactions and reading what he had to say. One day on a whim, I decided that he knew enough about me on paper for me to take it one step further, and I thought it would be a good idea to give him the link to my blog. After all, he had given me the link to his webpage and since I thought he knew me pretty well I didn’t see how it could be a bad thing. 12 days went by before I heard from him again, and honestly I had already come to terms with the fact that he had changed his mind about me…until my phone pinged with a message from him. Reading his email was hard. It was heavily laced with grace and kindness, but there was a bottom line: he didn’t think he could pursue me, and my history was the main reason. My heart ached, friends. Not because of him, not because I was so attached to him. After all, I barely knew/know this man. But because I felt a bit robbed. When I started writing I had no idea that there would be consequences like this; the consequence of “losing” someone I care about. And I know fully that it is what it is: when I was in my early to mid 20’s I struggled with an eating disorder, and that’s not gonna change whether I write about it or not. But still, it makes me wonder if I should have been as honest as I have been. So there’s that to think about.

Regardless of what decision I make for, there is one thing I know for sure: I will NEVER stop writing. When I was in grade 8, my English teacher would reward us for pages filled out in our journals, and it was then that I became addicted. I never used to go a day without pouring out my heart on paper. Going to Staples to buy a new pen was a huge thrill for me, and although that has shifted slightly to the addiction of typing, my passion remains: I love to write. I need to write. I just don’t know anymore if the things I say are the things you want to read.

So for now, for the next few weeks, I will wait for that email from my friend, WordPress. Until then, please know that you are loved and that I love that you are out there. Even if I decide not to renew, I sure do appreciate the fact that many of you have journeyed with me thus far. WordPress tracks all traffic and commenters, and there are some of you out there who have outdone yourselves, especially when I was still on BlogSpot. Thanks for being my cheerleaders 🙂




One thought on “Renewal

  1. I know how you feel about writing – never being able to stop, blogging or no! it is so therapeutic – and the vulnerability it gives to do it online, too. Whatever you decide about the website, I think you’re awesome and I have enjoyed reading your posts over the past almost-year. 🙂
    Love, Allie

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