It’s been quiet around here, I know. Lots has been on my heart, on my mind, trapped in my soul. And for the first time in a long time, writing hasn’t been my go-to outlet. And sometimes that’s okay.
Today I had a real, nasty, ugly, loud, breakdown. It’s wasn’t pretty friends. I caught the end of it on photobooth, a video I pray no one has to see of me. It was almost like therapy though; I talked and cried and vented and sobbed, and all the while looking into the compassionate face of…well, me. I was my own first friend. I know me. I love me. I understand me. I needed to talk badly.
But what I was wishing for more than anything else in this whole entire world was for someone to crawl into my bed behind me, hold me, and listen. No words were necessary. I just needed to be held tightly. Securely.
Because I have been feeling insecure.
There have been so many changes lately. Changes in my own personal life and changes in the lives of those I am closest to. Babies have born, new jobs have begun, relationships have ended, dreams have died and dreams have come true. I saw my dad last week for a few hours which is only the second time in 7 years we have been together. It brought up feelings in me that I have yet to acknowledge.
There is no one to blame for my insecurities in life. We all have them, this I know. But mine are really haunting me these days, and I am starting to feel the weight of them in my daily life. My biggest challenge in this life by far is a fear of abandonment.
It’s no joke, no laughing matter. While many of you never question the love of those around you (and you are truly blessed, by the way), being scared of not being good enough is extremely real to me. I don’t want to play you my sad song here and air out my dirty laundry online, but for the sake of being real here, I am going to be honest about it…I had two dads leave me when I was little. Not one, two. And then later in life, I had two best friends leave me, which really broke me. Maybe to you that seems a lot less significant than parents leaving, but it hurt almost as bad. One was very recent too. She had her reasons, of course, but after years and years (and years and years) of assuring me she wouldn’t leave me, I started to believe her. Trust her. Let myself be real with her. And then one day, simple as that, she broke up with me. Left me. Abandoned me. And here we go again.
I’ve held it together pretty well this year, but things are starting to catch up to me. I’m not trusting like I used to. Not finding it very easy to let myself be real. I am scared a lot. Scared of not being perfect, scared of being left behind or let go of. So I’ve been pushing people away. Trying to leave them before they can leave me. It’s not going over very well.
So I need to cling to God. The one person who says he will never leave me. So much easier said than done. But I am trying.
I had a breakdown today. A hard, loud, ugly cry. But I once heard that the harder you cry, the deeper the healing that takes place. I pray that is true of my heart today, because I am really looking forward to seeing what God is going to do with this beautiful mess of mine.
There is beauty in the breakdown. I don’t know yet what it is going to look like, but I know it’s going to be good.
PS I am going back to counselling, peeps. You better believe it.