It’s where I’ve been. In case you’ve been wondering. So many times these past few months I’ve intended to write, only to shrink back slowly and realize I would only be doing it because I felt I had to. Not because I wanted to.
Today, I want to write. Today I’m feeling it; this need to send a few thoughts, a few lines, a few reveries out into the world. If for nothing else, to have something small to come back to and read this time next year.
The fall for me was a blur of activities and busyness and a sense of purpose I can’t quite describe. My new job kicked off (which I can’t believe I haven’t written about more), I directed for the second year the children’s production at my church, and started healing.
When I look back on 2012, I will probably remember the painfully gradual closing of the door which was my preschool-teaching career. I thought my last day in that tiny classroom would never come. But it did. Thank God. And then I will remember my dream-summer in Europe where I travelled to 7 countries in 10 weeks and had the time and space to start dreaming again; to start figuring out who I am.
2013 has been amazing so far.
I’m finding myself again.
Some days I feel, dare I say, too blessed. If it’s even possible. Mom told me on the phone last week that she often looks at a picture of me from when I was in preschool, and she had, for years, wondered where that little girl had gone. Now she believes I am coming back. And I believe I am coming back. It hasn’t been perfect of course, for life never is, but it’s been pretty darn close.
5 months ago I started a new job working for Bethesda. For years my friends in Abbotsford had been telling me that I should work for this company, coming alongside and caring for people with special needs. I ignored it. Completely. Thought it wasn’t for me, that I couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t do it. But God finally got my attention last year, and a HUGE door in my life opened up. And now? I can’t imagine my life without these people, this new family that is being created and has been prepared for me. I am falling in love with precious individuals who the world calls broken but who are teaching me how to live, how to love, how to simply BE.
They are beautiful.
So there’s that. A huge life change. A new career. The steepest professional learning curve I’ve ever been on in my life. All totally worth it.
Then there’s the counselling. Dear Lord, the counselling. Why it pays off to spend half your paycheque crying in a strangers office is beyond me, but it somehow works. Miraculously well. In a way it’s like I’d been living with this giant wound, which I had covered up, tried to hide in layers of bandages which I thought were helping. And then this lady came along and started unravelling those bandages layer by layer. And parts of my skin were coming off with them, and the wound was being exposed. And then came the painful part of pouring the anti-septic into that dark place…that’s where I was at just after Christmas. Friends, it hurt. But it felt good at the same time…if that makes any sense. I was healing and I knew it. I was getting the attention I needed, and the help was coming from someone with decades of experience, compassion, and a kind of kindred spirit that is rare and hard to find.
I’ve always been a procrastinator, and one of those people who doesn’t do well under pressure…if I was a contestant on the Biggest Loser, I’d vote myself off after one day of training with Jillian, Bob, or Dolvette. I hate being yelled at and pushed. And as silly as this can be, it’s almost like the more people want me to do something, or the more I know something has to be done, the less I want to do it. It doesn’t make sense but it’s true.
But this year I have felt myself changing. I’m growing up a lot. It’s getting easier and easier to take care of business. I used to put off oil changes till the last second, had a hard time returning phone calls, ran from the hard things in life like going for job interviews, and wanted to hide away every tax season. It feels good to start owning up to those responsibilities. Good to know I can handle these things. God is with me, and I have an army of family and friends behind me who are cheering me on every step of the way.
I’m a lucky girl.
And I think I am ready to start writing again. Slowly but surely.
Every single night before bed I write in a little pink journal. I write down my top 5 best moments of the day; gifts from God that might otherwise have gone unnoticed. So I haven’t been completely out of touch with the words that so easily pour from my soul, but I have missed this space.
But for now, no more words. Only pictures.
Lots of babies. Lots of smiles. Lots of memories. Lots of pure, unadulterated joy.
Overflowing joy. Enjoying life to the fullest.
And that, friends, is where I’ve been.